Family Tensions

When someone in your family is dying it can be hard to agree on issues. I am lucky my sister is a nurse it can be both a curse and a blessing for sure. My sister is tough as nails but when it comes to our Fathers illness she is struggling to come to terms with it. The problems is she thinks she is dealing great with it. I hate anything to do with hospitals or sick people. I am not one to handle seeing poop or puke or any other bodily fluids any where near me. I hate needles and sick people scare the shit out of me. I am afraid she is not dealing with how sick he is and scared I am not able to handle the job alone. I of course will clean my father if I am needed to but that does not mean I will not throw up when I am done. I mentioned hospice and my sister is dead against it. She says my father will never allow it. She was also quick to point out that they are only there as support and not a care giver. I get that but who would not want support when you are afraid of sick people let alone the emotion of watching my father die? I have never seen a person die. My Mother passed away of a massive heart attack. In away I am glad I get to make my peace with my Father and comfort him when he takes his last breath. My sister and I had a huge fight because he was driving over to see my niece for her birthday. She had many excuses why she could do anything to stop him. She said she had a house full of girls. Why not have your husband pick him up? In the end the fighting is petty and all we have is each other. Everything feels like this huge mountain I am climbing. If my sister even knew I was writing this blog she would freak out. I will hold fast to my sister I love her with all my heart. The unknown is what is tearing us apart.

My department did not survive. I have been looking for a job since sept 2009. I miss my job so much. My company let us go with grace and kindness. My boss could not look at us in the face for the week he knew before us. The head of our department had tears streaming down his cheeks as they let us go. It was the best company I ever worked for.